Friday, December 28, 2012

consonance my assonance.

[Hint: you should always read poetry out loud.]

she layers prayers into her morning plait
and plates her doubts for breakfast,
every morning waking sore when
he keeps whores like secrets.
she throws cravings into craters 
forged by kites diving for 
prey.
while he dare upbraid her, fair maiden -
paying favors, steer the stray.
breathes as if her blood weren't seizing
vehement breeze inside her veins.
scold her searing skin with tears
so vile even roaches complain.

under unborn creases in her face
she sheaths her teeth and swears to stay.
endanger her, label her crazy
muttering maybes in the shade.



Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Eh.

God, I hate Facebook.  I posted something the other day that, let's say, got mixed reviews.

On one hand, the last time I received that many "likes" on a status update was when I announced my father was cancer free. Yeah.

On the other hand, I offended some of my old friends. I probably offended a lot of people who did not respond, and probably just am generally offensive, so I am trying to figure out how I feel about this. Since I am feeling largely guilty and bad, I will divert my attentions from Facebook and post what I really think here. 

Here's what I said:

 I am an atheist and I celebrate Christmas, not because I condone the Godly rape of young women in order to conceive heavenly Sons, but because I love lights, and hot chocolate, and friends and families, and the warmth of the kitchen when the oven has been on all day.

I was mostly trying to convey my love for the season and my excitement for the coming days with Jared's and my family by juxtaposing my feelings with blatant, uninhibited blasphemy. 

I was told that my post demonstrates a serious misunderstanding of the story of the birth of Jesus. We can start right there.

Everyone knows Christmas originated from the pagan celebration of the solstice and that those traditions were hijacked specifically to grow the Church of the Great Baby Jesus. If you don't know that then you either can't read or flat out don't pay attention, so I am a little sick of getting in trouble around a holiday that was stolen to begin with and continues to be further defiled every single year. 

I was also told I need to reconsider my definition of rape. Nothing pisses me off more than this, partially because we spent so much of the summer and fall listening to halfwit old men tell us that we deserve our rape babies, and partially because rape is rape. It is not something to be interpreted like out-dated and irrelevant holy books.

What I can tell you is that some sort of exchange happened between the Holy Father and the Virgin Mary and ended in such a way that she had a fuggin embryo attached to her uterus. I get it - God is God, he can do whatever he wants, however he wants. I suppose that means he could have transported some magical swimmers straight past Mary's cervix, but at what point do we stop to question the motives and morality of a deity who impregnates virgins? Either God is a pervert, or Mary is a liar. In either case, calm the fuck down, I was making a joke. 

Sometimes you realize you've said or done some stupid shit. Then you remember it does not matter.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

i will write down every word,
sing them onto every wall
so when we vanish from the earth
love will carry on.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

sentence fragments from the walk home.

I find myself wishing that prairie dogs were hedgehogs
though I really just wish they were unicorns because
think how well they'd match the snow.
I pissed in the spillway because it was already empty and
i figured we all need some help sometimes.
once my body felt less like an imminent steaming yellow explosion
you can bet your ass i walked faster.
a boy said hi and I asked "what's your favorite color?"
he said the snow
then handed me a blue balloon.
the more steps i take, the quieter the cars get
the creek roars instead. the closer the
air gets to freezing, the cleaner my lungs are.
Sun can make you drunk.
Shame on you, moon, standing out, half naked
no cloud curtains to hide behind.
trees are just old ladies, been listening so hard
for so long, they don't see why we speak.
so they nod over their glasses, knots for freckles.
sometimes more a shake.
I feel like a child most of the time surrounded
by jesters hopping about like adults.
hoping one morning for my eyes to spring open.
i'll drink twice as much light when i'm grown.
it's a frustrating pattern
being addicted to sociopaths, batting your eyes at them
then scolding the butterflies.
I mentioned water and ten minutes down the road now it is solid.
you can even see where the ripples muttered their last words.
after the sun was down the clouds turned manta rays
grazed over the mountains looking
for a place to sit. the moon is taller now.
posing, skin showing
leaning against nothing.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Update.

I know that like, two or three of the people who read this blog do it purely to keeps tabs on my life, so I will post a short update.

In October, I played a song of mine at Herman's Hideaway for a talent contest. Most of the, er, talent was... er... karaoke. Anyway, sum a long night short, I won $500.  That's a hundred dollars a minute, for those doing the math. Mostly I just had a great night getting to catch up with about two dozen of my favorite people.

One of the other performers that night was a rapper, he went on unfortunately early, found me after I went on telling me how moved he was by my performance.  Exchanged numbers, and within a few weeks he had invited me to perform at a hip-hop showcase and birthday party he was putting together at Herman's. He offered me two ten-minute sets, serving as the "intermission."  I was stoked.

That showcase was last Thursday. On Monday that same week, I came to the realization that I could use some help, so I made J play his drumset with my tunes. It is worth mentioning that anytime we play together, everything instantly sounds better. Instantly I feel like a complete package, like a cohesive idea. I could not ask for a better companion for my musical career.

We did not bring the drum set to the show - too much of a hassle, so I asked my roommate to borrow his cajon.  Effectively, I was completely out of context, planning to open with a two-part polka-waltz medley of Home and Old Typewriter in the good ol' very-not-hip-hop key of C major.

Oh, and I had one too many beers and completely forgot all the words to my own goddamned music during the first set. If you are wondering how I dealt with this, I pretty much took the few lines I could remember and mix-and-matched the words in the correct melody.  I left the stage feeling like I should never be allowed to perform again.

Unfortunately, I was tipsy enough for my voice to sound stellar, so within twenty minutes I had shaken a dozen hands and received half a dozen phone numbers and business cards.

Got to see a lot of talented writers go up on the stage, and will be making contact with all of them. Only three women performed whole night (and one of them was me), the other two were badass.  Reminds me that there is a serious shortage of female representation in the music industry as a whole, especially in a few select genres. Time to fix that...

I sat there for three hours and did nothing but drink water and mumble verses to myself before my second set at 11:30.  It worked out though - went great.  Decided to start with a short slam piece to fit the mood, then played Sing, followed by a new and improved Color Wheel.  It was so much fun, and my confidence was so fiercely boosted.

And the following two nights I had gigs with Moses Jones. Life is sweet.


Sunday, December 16, 2012

A brief departure from the subject of love.

My wife is right. We need to talk about this.

Here is the deal. Guns are made to kill. Killing is the sole purpose of owning and operating a gun. They are made to be a quick and efficient tool for piercing straight through the flesh of another living, breathing being. That. is. it.

They are not made to injure, they are not even made to blow the locks off of doors. They are specifically designed to murder - several times over.

Herein lies the problem with guns. If you are a goddamn civilian, pay your rent delivering tacos to the tables of middle class families, or typing figures into Excel documents, installing cable or car stereos or toilets, making cakes, designing buildings, cleaning peoples' teeth or chimneys, or selling cars or perfume or insurance or sex; if you spend your spare time knitting or hiking or singing or drumming or sewing or doing sit-ups or watching trash-pit television or slamming down bottles of Jack Daniels, then why the fuck do you need a gun.

Maybe you go out and party sometimes, maybe you live on a bad side of town. I live in Aurora and I ride my bike to work in the dark, go for runs in the park. I carry mace on my person in case I am approached by a shark. I understand you want to protect yourself, but I will never understand why "protecting" yourself means that you, as an average-ass dude, have such a goddamn boner for the idea of stealing life.

No matter what the argument is, it comes down to this: you are ultimately trying to protect a right that does not exist - to kill another member of your species.

Not to mention, I would not trust 98% of you people with a gun. Truth.


Friday, December 14, 2012

 if my heart were big enough to hand out, piece by piece, i promise we'd all wear love around our necks.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Children's literature out of context.

Little Bunny Foo Foo -

I don't want to see you scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head.

Seriously dick move, dude.


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

"Energy cannot be created nor destroyed. It only changes form."   


Saturday, December 8, 2012

Cheese

Last night, J and I went to Beta to see Kill the Noise. I got home at 3AM, knowing full-well that I would be waking up at 6AM to run a 5k in an ugly Christmas sweater.

By the time I got home later this morning, I looked around the kitchen for something to make/eat, and remembered the anaheim and bell peppers sitting on the counter - they were starting to look a little soft, so I figured I could give a shot at roasting them.

Then I fell asleep for a few hours, woke up to my stomach yelling at me. I decided to make an old standby, figuring the morning run and lack of caloric sustenance throughout the day warranted a treat. This was one of the first meals I ever learned to make, thanks to mom. Queso and beans. You can even call them beanses if you are feeling nostalgic (a family colloquiallism that dates back to 'buelita's comical troubles with the English language). But do not ask me why it isn't queso y frijoles. It just isn't.

Queso: I warmed half a roasted anaheim, half of a roasted green bell pepper, some minced garlic, and some tomatoes. Then I added monterey jack cheese and milk - warm til melty and delicious.

The beans were a standard can of no-salt-added black beans, plus some tomatoes and chiles, minced garlic, salt, black pepper, cayenne, chili powder, paprika, and a splash of the red wine I was drinking.




It was good. And there are leftovers for days, which means I need to hit the gym.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

don't count on second chances
for you were born with all of them.
Some days they melt in the shadow on your back.
Or breeding in the grass, each one another grain of sand
your fingers can never hope to catch.

Monday, November 19, 2012

matchbox


sometimes... gotta say something, anything.
after all, they've been telling us all this time that love is blind.

Thursday, November 15, 2012


 "Margot, I don't want to alarm you, but a black car has been following us for about three miles and Cadence needs water."  I wouldn't say this was standard practice, but it had happened a handful of times before. Margot kept her head low and crawled into the back. I watched in my rear view mirror, alternating my gaze from her shuffling our tent and sleeping bags, to the the car behind us. I steadied my breath and maintained speed until the Margot in the carriage was replaced by a fold-up tent and cooler.
     I sang to Cadence; a slow, descending melody that indicates to her the need to slow down. I reached over the bar in front of me and pounded the front of the vehicle - two of these knocks means 'stop.'  There used to be two stairs that folded out by the door - mom made dad install them when they overhauled the old carriage.  I removed them last year though; not worth the hassle when I knew to simply bend my knees on the landing. I grabbed a bucket of water and stood in front of my horse, watching the car out of the corner of my eyes, unable to locate the direct source of the anger swimming under my skin. It might have been the pre-dusk sun bouncing off the approaching waxed metal, straight into my retinas. It might have been the screaming hope that the car would just explode. Or implode. I was not in a position to be picky.
    It did not do that, of course; the car stopped in one piece about twenty yards behind my carriage.   No one drives a shiny car like that and means well.
      I scanned a man from the ground up as he stepped onto the dirt.  I maintained my occupation with my horse, holding the bucket while she drank and brushing her mane with my fingers as he walked purposefully toward me.  Once he was next to the carriage I deemed the situation too close for comfort and set the bucket in front of Cadence.
     "What is your name, young lady?"
     I stood up and turned toward him. His shoes were shined once, I imagine, but he'd been wearing them over and over for a few weeks, unmaintained. There were wrinkles around the toes, filled with dirt and probably wiped off with a damp towel this afternoon. His suit was olive green with gold pinstripes. This was the kind of man who hangs around people with money and has enough of it himself to pretend, but he was not born in the great cities; probably moved there by accident or by force. Maybe an orphan. Or maybe I'm full of shit - I just like to speculate.
     "If you have to ask my name, I have to ask what you're doing in this town."   Valid question. I know he has no answer.
     He nodded, took a few steps toward me. "Alright then. That's quite a vehicle you have there."
     "Yes, she has been in my family for generations. She is beautiful and trustworthy.... the horse is friendly, too." He pretended to laugh and I could feel my throat begin to swell. This carriage is the most perfect bit of machinery I have ever seen, and he can't even see the engine. It's best to keep her true magnificence a secret sometimes: licenses are hard to come by around here, and people on the outskirts do not generally have the resources to gas an engine. My carriage is one hundred per cent not legal.
     "I will get straight to the point." he said.
     I did not make any gesture to invite his oncoming questions. Head slightly tilted, mouth firmly shut, trying to mask my anxiety but chewing the inside of my lower lip anyway.
     "Have you ever heard of an Em Ray?" he said.
     "Em Ray? Out here we know better than to bunch up with dealers and gangsters."  The slight emphasis on the last word was crucial and I did not squint as I studied his face. "What dirt you got on him that's so important?"
     "We think he's got water. Barrels and silos full of drinking water. Selling it for profit. That's illegal, you know."
    "So I've heard, but we don't see a whole lot of feds out here. Not worth the trouble to try and fine if we don't have anything to pay them to begin with. If you do find these mystic clearwater silos, though, we would sure be interested out here. Barely have enough to keep me and my horse from keeling over.  You might want to head back home, I hear the cities have water for miles if that's what you're really after." Fucking gangster. I hate fucking gangsters. Always trying to screw around with what we have all nice and figured out.
    I tried to keep my out-side voice louder than the one in my head. "The sun is about to set, I suggest you get back to your friends before it gets too dark.The forests are pretty wild out here, you know, if you don't know how to handle them." I said. I turned and bent over to grab the water bucket, looked up in the man's eyes. They matched his suit. "Unless you have any real questions for me, I have to be on my way as well." He blinked and nodded, hesitated before turning and walking back to the car.
     I noticed another man in the passenger seat and tried, for a minute, to process whatever just happened, but quickly banished the immediate conclusions from my brain and pet Cadence's neck. The car started.  I checked my horse's hooves, pretended to fiddle with her restraints as the black car idled, not moving. Cadence cooed, nudging me with her nose, hoofing the ground impatiently. I was only half paying attention, mostly listening for the wheels on the car to drive away.  When at least I heard the dirt crunch behind me as the car sped by, I breathed for the first time in about half an hour.
     I climbed back onto the driver's bench and slammed the door, sang the notes that indicate a forward trot.
    I waited a few minutes, then opened the window behind me. Margot's head leaned out from behind the cooler.
"Em, you're famous. And a man," I said.
"Good news is they don't even seem to know the half of it..."
"Well, maybe not half... but enough."

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

breathe fire (cont'd)

In order to fall in love:
first, you must make a lot of it.
they say you can drown in just an inch of standing water...
so I say, to be safe, we make an ocean.

In order to fall in love:
first, you must make a lot of it.
Then, pour it over the edge of a mountain, or a cliff
so when you fall you have no choice
but to swim in it.

See that window over there?
She hasn't closed it in years -
sending all her prayers
out into the open air
hoping one day her man would appear.

See this window, right here, in my room?
I shattered the sonuvabitch the moment I met you
flew toward the sun i would run if i had to
i swear your fingers made me bloom

 breathe your fire all the way down my spine
it drips like warm honey when you give me your sugar.
and you're a waterfall, frozen inside my mind.
you can go on running
but i'm keeping you
you're mine

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

notes to self, part one of many.

All those romantic bones inside of you, honey
-- you gotta let them go.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Women in the Bible part One of Thousands.

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vein, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. (Psalm 31:30)

I saw a friend of mine post this on Facebook. There is a mountain of horrid things the bible says about women, and one day I will write on all of them. But let's just start here. And I will make it short.

This is bullshit. 

Women, your bible praises you for being fearful, for cowering under your male counterparts. Your bible says that your charm is a ruse and your beauty is worthless. You are only valuable as a quiet, obedient puppy in the employ of a god that would rather see you as a slave than as a free and happy human.

Allow me to offer you the alternative. 

Women: your strength, your smile, your charm and attitude, your heated quips and your loving whispers; your frowns and tears, your cries of pleasure and screams of disdain, your toes and warts and touching thighs and unmakeuped eyes... are all the most beautiful, pure things you can offer the universe. Every single thought and feeling that swims in your body is to be cherished, is to be desired. You are a work of art. You are praiseworthy. You are your own goddess. Do not let any person or imaginary being EVER let you believe differently.

Friday, November 2, 2012

NaNoWriMo. Not 2,000 words, I suck.

The full moon is making her way back down the sky now. That was probably the most fun I have ever had. I say that every time.

Every single note they played was exactly the note I wanted to hear. The lights on stage turned into snow and drizzled over the crowd. The flakes landed on my arms, my shoulders, absorbed into my skin and transformed into stars inside my rib cage, blooming, multiplying. I swear the man strung his bass with strings running clear up to my toes so I jumped right with his fingers and swerved with his wrists. And when I could no longer ignore the stars in my throat they swam up to my skull. I waved my fingers in front of my face, rays of glory. My eyes glowed.

I felt guilty - for a second - for stealing from the sky; when I looked up the stars knew and flooded out, flew back. The notes stayed in my chest, though. They are never leaving. 

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

we could live in a matchbox
and eat embers for breakfast
i could taste your lips just once a day 
and crawl to bed each night, nourished

it was a few years before i could sing as loudly as mom did. and before that it took a few years for me to not be afraid in the open. Now though, there is just... so much space. And I have to fill it with something. 

My eyes had drifted over the ocean, unfocused in the direction of the setting sun. Apparently that is not good for my eyes, but since I know there is a line directly from my pupils to my heart, I am not immediately concerned.  It just gets so dark sometimes, gotta soak up whatever you can.

The bulb dipped under the water.

"Margot, you get to see this every day. It always blows my mind."
"I know. Mine too, still."  She didn't have to ask to what I was referring - the way the sun drags her way down, afraid to leave the sky, until right before the horizon, when she falls. A quick, final surrender.


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

a la piedras negras

was thinking about a poem my brother wrote and sent me a long time ago after i found a couch on craigslist. will expand.

there is a couch on craigslist that looks an awful lot
like the one 'buelita used to have.
maybe it's still lying around that old ranch house in mexico.
more likely walked her red crushed velvet ass
all the way up to westminster.

we ate real ice cream
made with real strawberries
for two small coins a day.

my brother texted me to say
he smelled guisado in the park
  or somewhere.
neither of us eats meat anymore and
haven't had soda in years.
so strawberries are fine
and mexican cokes.
those don't count as soda.



Saturday, October 20, 2012

Not Car-muhl Cupcakes.

I don't know why I have only dedicated this blog to writing. I do plenty of shit all the time that Facebook does not care about - time to start logging all of it here. This includes: cooking and new recipe attempts, baking, sewing and costume ideas.  I was going to start another blog called "Secondhand Swagger" but have decided to just add that onto this one; more information to come.   So here's what I did Thursday night.

You see, I am addicted to Pinterest.  I work in a call center. This means when I'm not being yelled at, I am senselessly wasting my time on the Internetz.  One of my boards is called "Food I want to make and never ever eat."  This is a lie. Because that particular board is filled with cupcake, brownie, cake, candy, cookie, and other shit-food recipes that OBVIOUSLY I want to eat by the bucket. But I'm trying to be a good little body-builder. So these recipes are for making for other people; this time, it happened to be my new roommate's birthday. Which means these cupcakes are in the house - the danger zone - until these morsels are gone.

From scratch:  Cinnamon apple cupcakes with caramel frosting.



 As you can tell, many have been eaten. That means they don't totally suck. And they're super simple to make.

This recipe is for twelve cupcakes.

1 1/4 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 eggs
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup vegetable oil
2 teaspoons pure vanilla
2 apples, peeled and shredded
1 1/2 cups caramel candies (about 25)
2 tablespoons heavy cream

Oven at 350. 
Shred the apples, set aside. 
Mix flour, baking powder, salt, and cinnamon, set aside.  
Whisk eggs and both sugars together, then add oil and vanilla.  
Slowly add in the flour mixture until combined.  
Add shredded apples.  

Fill 12 cupcake liners about 3/4 full, then bake till they are cupcakey. If you don't know what this means, then you deserve some trial and error.  Possibly some kitchen fires, of which I've start plenty. Anyway, mine baked like 25 minutes. I'm also at high altitude so if you're a low-lander do something different maybe. 

Slowly melt caramels in microwave (use 50%-75% power, one minute at a time), and then add cream. Stir.

Frost cupcakes, enjoy subsequent mess. 

Also, it is pronounced care-uh-melle. 


Friday, October 19, 2012

Dickheads.

I follow Humans of New York on Facebook. I count on this page to warm-and-fuzzy my soul on a daily basis.

Yesterday Brandon, the author of HONY, posted a picture of a beautiful, outspoken young woman named Stella. The photo was originally posted on her personal blog, in her underwear along with a short piece calling out the numerous people who have chosen to judge her, make her feel generally unworthy throughout her life solely based on her size. I was truly inspired and shared her story.

A "friend" of mine - the quotes are necessary because I could never justify any sort of constant contact with a character like that - re-shared the photo. 

He said "This is exactly what's wrong with America."  

And I fucking lost it. 

I watched a young man rife with white privilege spout what I can only determine to be the deliberate brainwashings of a perfectly materialized American culture, complete with horrible grammar and an utter lack of regard for punctuation. I read as he generalized all overweight people, labeling them as lazy, selfish, weak-minded, spoiled brats (these are all his adjectives). He blamed fat people in America for starvation in Africa while telling me that racism and sexism have never killed anyone, as some sort of justification for his out-right bullying (and asked why he could be considered a bully). He suggested that we send all of the obese people in the US to PoW camps. And proceeded to call me closed-minded while his friend called me fat.

You can't make this shit up.

I try to keep my ramblings to a minimum - in general I spend my days in sheer awe at the universe, smiling at the mountains and winking at the sun.  But sometimes... I just can't allow myself to stay quiet.

So here is just a small reminder.

Some people are thin, some are not. Unhealthiness (and health!) comes in EVERY SIZE - and yes, I might consider your permanent mental state of douchebag to be unhealthy. If you are big and make little people feel like shit, you might be a shallow person.  If you are little and make big people feel like shit, you might be a shallow person. And no matter how skinny or buff or right you think you are, you still might fucking suck. 

Freedom of speech is my favorite thing - we are allowed to be real, and I will always encourage people to say what they mean. 

But, for the love of Zeus, stop being so fucking mean to one another.

Jesus Christ. 

Friday, October 12, 2012

these sunglasses are cheap so


oncoming light makes glaring halos
obscuring my path straight toward the sun
saturating all color toward grey.
alternating with shade - air suddenly crisper
and the greens reconfigure themselves
letting the trees smile back and the leaves
don't even say a thing when i crush them.

I can hear only two things:
the moonlight sonata and
my own hardened breathing.

i felt pretty real for a second
wishing i were on horseback instead.
         then the undead pirate attack theme from
pirates of the caribbean came on and
of course i pedal faster.
There might be something to that, Beethoven.

mm. haven't heard your voice in weeks.
 personal fizzy lifting drink.

Monday, September 10, 2012

waiting room

there is no rule bending here.
sit. with other people whose friends and dads and moms and sisters and lovers
are being cut up and invaded by someone
who has been slicing people for a long fucking time,
so don't worry.
And before that he or she probably sliced some smaller mammals, and before that some invertebrates.
They probably don't wire the jaws of many mice in med school
because i don't think a lot of mice get punched in the mouth when they aren't looking.

I just finished a book about free will and I think it was trying to tell me
to be compassionate for the man who tried to (and with very much success, did) destroy your pretty face.
The man who is guilty of restricting my kisses
to a very precise zero.
I will survive perfectly well without them
but know that a man who can constrain love so easily
alongside his distribution of violence
must be seriously void of the founding element in our universe.

In that case, Harris must speak truths - it does no good to continually withhold compassion
 from those who cannot feel it.
one cannot breathe oxygen which does not prevail in his quarters.
An interesting element indeed - that one may breathe it and only love exhales.
 it does not just pass through.
 it permeates.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

she said to cut the daisy from my throat III

we had a talk back in may, and i frankly do not recall saying "now, make sure you fuck this up."

my suggestions either way have no place in the matter. it's just a damn shame, because she's so pretty and i think you may have used to be handsome but then it turned out you weren't hot shit after all and i fucking hate the way your eyes narrow when you think you're being charming. blackout drunk.

the problem is not that you're out of your mind, the problem is that your head is in you. quite intact. quite frightening. the problem is that my hands shake when i think of how things are in comparison to how things were, and that your fingers are crossed neatly hanging lightly from your resting forearms. the problem is not that you disgust me, but that you are disgusting. and i know you will fuck anything that moves or doesn't move and given the chance you would issue whatever necessary to make sure your dick ends the night limp. it can start with a smile or it can start with a guilt trip. because "it isn't gunna suck itself." 

no shit, idiot. maybe you should start stretching then because that isn't her job.

i remember the time we wrestled, actually wrestled. you pinned me, then I came back stronger and too flexible. so i won and you cried for hours. that is a symbol and it makes me laugh.  

must be hard to grapple with knowing that if your brain says you feel love, then it must be true. why would our brains tell us different? i do not have an answer for that but i do know that sometimes my brain tells me i am hungry when it is far more likely that i am dehydrated. 

just chemicals between synapses. 

she might be made of feathers. you must know because she sprouts new ones in the middle of the night and by morning they are gone and you are the only other person in the room.

angels do not take well to plucking, you see. they have flying to do, you see.

koyczan


a large man just made me cry. like some god packed him with words and then set him on the grass, said “don’t you ever run out.” and maybe I shouldn't put so much effort into sweating because then the words that are packed in my own body melt off my skin -  evaporate and find their way to the clouds and the problem is it’s been a dry summer so I may not ever see them again. 

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

lolz

it worries me

that people have seen thousands of cat pictures and see dozens more every day.

and that i can put hours of effort strategically placing and planning a few hundred words in a way that i hope barely exists, if at all.

Why is it easier to get views on a dumb cat picture that took 6 seconds and a teaspoon of luck, than on one piece of hours-planned, attempted - even if failed - art?

 It makes me sad, friends. 

Friday, July 20, 2012

shiver - a summer in colorado.


Another one of those dark, bluesky days
in the only heaven i know.
 every sunset this summer has mirrored
the flaming mountain forests.


  this morning the sun rose, dripped with blood
thick with iron, steel
and saltwater.










Friday, June 22, 2012

there's a robin outside my window,
he sings a four-note melody
he hasn't stopped singing all day
I think he must be lonely

there's a robin outside my window
still singing his four-note melody
sometimes he doesn't get all the notes right..
maybe that's why he's so lonely.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Yesterday I made friends with a cat.
he only spoke to me because I wore all black
with yellow shoes.
he wears all black all the time and
little lemon eyes.
Neither of us wears a collar.

If I ever have a cat, I will call him Richard Simmons
so that his fur grows up to be curly.
My logic has no flaws.
Only he will not wear spandex because that,
my friends, is animal cruelty,
if only because there is no space for the tail.

And if I have a baby, she will learn to love the snow
the same way many of us learned to love the water:
thrown into it, naked, at infancy.

Monday, June 11, 2012

(In order to fall in love

first you must make a lot of it.
pour it over the edge of a mountain
or a cliff so when you fall, you have
no choice but to swim in it.

In order to fall in love
first you must make a lot of it.
they say you can drown in just an inch of standing water
I say -- to be safe -- we make an ocean.

breathe your fire all the way
 down
   my
    spine
it drips like warm honey when you give me your sugar.
You're a waterfall frozen inside my mind;
keep on running, try it -
but I'm keeping you.
You're mine.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Eye of the beholder pffffff.

I despise the too often written/sang/spoken phrase "you are beautiful to me."

Know why? Because you are actually just fucking beautiful. Yeah, you.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Sinning.

I would get defensive, too, if my entire livelihood were arbitrarily built around a God and Holy Book that are completely and utterly ridiculous.

Views

So, when I post things, I get views on my page. Funny how that works. I wish I could just write whatever I felt like all the time without accidentally revealing that actually, I am the least interesting person on the planet.  But then again, I'm not sure what else blogs are for.

Ordered a new electric piano yesterday. I am one broke-ass, happy little piglet. Went in the Best Buy to try out the models I had researched; they didn't have them.  Could have driven across the street to the Musician's Superstore, but I have successfully avoided that place for five years since the last time they accused me of grand theft piano.

So instead I took advantage of Guitar Center's vast selection of ready-to-play keyboards so that I could immediately go home and get the one I wanted off the internetz.

I owe the Internet a love song.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The mirror.

Every day is about the constant pursuit of being a better me.

I am the only person who knows me, who knows my body. I am the only person who knows my standards and my strengths, and I am the only person who can identify the next level and pulverize it. 

  I can feel my body get stronger; every morning that my muscles are sore, I know I have done something right. I can feel my heart rate steady itself ever more efficiently the more I run, I can power myself up a hill faster this week than I could last.  And every time I climb higher I see the universe get bigger, feel the world shrink.

 I will only ever have one body and I promise to use it until it runs out. I will dance everyday, learn how to accurately portray the music to which I have dedicated my life through my body and my voice. I will use my knowledge of our uniquely human art of language to say something new every day. 

Yesterday's standards for the quality and execution of my own person are not enough for what I can do today.  

I recognize the inherent silliness and worthlessness in complaining, though it can be fun anyway.

Every moment that has transgressed up until now matters, and together play a vital role in the moments to come.

I will not make excuses.

I am in control of my happiness. My smile will never hurt, it will only spread.


I am here to be the best at me because nobody else ever will. 


Wednesday, May 30, 2012

mixed nuts

we all do it, I know
you only want the cashews.


Tuesday, May 15, 2012

magic I

I swear it's a castle.
 littered with crystals
sometimes I step on the pins
holding the seams in the hardwood floors.
The infestation is the sequins.
A fortress, her mote filled with
scraps of organza and lace flowers
that wilt by nature but do not die.
The queen, so holy she
requires no patches.
I am unfamiliar with this form of magic,
bending light to make princesses.
The king turned grey this winter and
yet they dance




Thursday, May 10, 2012

hoarding.

People used to collect homes
so they could have lots of mailboxes.
foxes in some parking spots when you come
home after the day and coyotes in other.
and when you walk to the mailbox and
 find nothing worth opening, you have another mailbox
tomorrow
another city, state.

I don't know why people collect homes now because
they can collect computers instead
train dogs and robots to check all their boxes,
they feed on the moths and chase away the foxes.

One day I will collect buttons.
They will cover all my shirts and adorn all my pants
And people so apt to feign curiosity will ask
why in the world I can't just collect cats.
Because buttons hold me together
and cats stink.


Wednesday, May 9, 2012

I respect your right to say whatever you want however you want to say it. However...

To the people confessing their distrust and disapproval for the President after his statement concerning marriage, regardless of your or his motivation in saying so:

Fuck you.   You are the problem.

That is all.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

aging.

we have been racing to grow old.
i wake every morning to crackling shoulders,
knees, hips that scream down the stairs.
you will be old before me; i will push your wheel chair.
promise.
until i have one, too. Then we will tie ours together
and our hips won't scream down the stairs because
we will race our bigwheels down them,
maybe tumble trying to stay young.

I will go blind first, but
you will grow deaf before me. will
not have to listen to our noisy joints.
 will not hear the neighbors knock through the floor:
your drums are still too loud.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

96 million dollars.

Seriously?  America, you have a problem. My Facebook has been blowing up about Tebow and Manning and who-the-fuck-are-the-Broncos-anyway but Jesus, there is something wrong with a society that applauds spending a hundred million dollars on 66% proficiency.   

If I went out and performed a show at sixty-six percent, I would be set on fire. And you know what, if I were being paid to do such a shitty performance, you bet your ass I would expect and welcome the flames.

 Not that you give a damn, but accept my continual middle finger, America, for your disgusting obsession with professional sports. 

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Hype

(I have never had any luck writing about marching music. Here's a draft of a pre-show hype rap/speech. I dunno.)

I want to tell you a story
it's about the color blue
yeah, I may have written it
but you know what? so did all of you
blue isn't just a feeling
it's more than just a hue
you know the sky's not just a ceiling
and we're more than just a crew

I know there are times your minds are reeling under the
piling files of time you're stealing
to keep your eyes peeled yet your brains from peelin
yet your lips are sealed, this is art we're dealing
I say we make the stands shatter and shake
under the weight of our greatness
if you do it right they will lift you up and you will
leave that room weightless
Hell, I'll warn the floor boards now they're in store for a
war on their foundation
We are made of the Rocky Mountains, and we're the only ones in the nation
carved out of stone and bone and love
can exchange their doubt for exaltation

I demand that they not just applaud us
I demand that they god damn adore us
that we shake them til their brains go porous,
then pour out their eyes while they still scream for us.
nobody ever made it feeling cautious
I dare you to hit them so hard they fall to the ground, unconscious
When they wake up, they better want to die
if they never see the Blue Knights again
You have to make them want to
cry if we're not the ones who fucking win

There is no man, no person, no thing
who has ever received this much love from me
because week after week and day after day
you guys keep me from going insane.
Yeah, there's a world out there and it's happenin
but right now all that matters is us.
There is no key in the entire world that I would
rather hold than this one.

So here is the truth, believe me I hate it too:
we have a lot to show but
we more to prove.

Now, you don't have to promise me anything
but I will always promise every one of you
that there is no color that I will ever bleed
except for blue.


Does posting about PMS make me anti-feminist..?

Dear Midol,

I know you think it is funny to put your pills in bulletproof packaging. But I don't think you realize it's not very funny to test me like that, because I will pull out a gun.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

love and other drugs.

Hear me out for a second
because I know it might sound crazy
but there's mice runnin a maze
on top of a cake made out of amazing.
And the icing's made of spices;
makes it taste just like daisies--
painted with purple paisleys,
first in circles then in wave-sies.

And there's either six jaguars with one giant eye each
or one giant flower with a lot of fuckin teeth
and I'm just starin at it hopin it doesn't eat me
but I write the story so its like me, doesn't eat meat.

this shit's crawlin on the ceiling tellin me
gravity is for jerks
but I been growin out my wings, see
and I know gravity still works

just trying to put my finger on the difference
between lsd and eucalyptus
koala bears texting each other "let's trip this"
and I don't know who the fox is
or who's the raven
but that shit all means something now
since we started ravin'

I hate it when people say that love is a sickness
like if we just eat more zinc it'll fix this
and I hate it when people say it's a gift
as if you could pack this up and ship it for Christmas
but its flyin round the sky--that's not just hydrogen
and lets the roses live in your skin
that's not just melanin
keeps the world spinnin and keeps it in key
makes my heart spin in circles 'round the strings on my sleeves

Love's just an ingredient kids, and drugs are not the answer.
But i tell you what, nay-sayers, my world is goddamned enchanted