Pfft. A model on a beach, what else is new?

Playing sousaphone?! Without a mouthpiece?! Absurd!

Don't buy pears at Walmart.

Well, I guess you could, but don't bother eating them.

The Dentist.

Last week, I had to get some dental work done. The assistant was a really nice young woman.

Her: God, your eyelashes are so long. You don't know what I would do for eyelashes like those.
Me: Oh, thanks!
Her: No, seriously. I would kill for lashes like that.


Yeah, I was feeling pretty encouraged as she turned on the drill.

Neighbors.

The neighbors across the street installed these totally awesome motion-sensing floodlights. There are four of them and they light up the whole street if you blink from our driveway.

Freaks me out at night because they go on every 15 or so seconds. Dunno if they're actually keeping burglars away or simply contributing to the growing number of seizures in the neighborhood.

Either way, at least we don't have to pay for them.

Dear girl at Safeway,

The extensions you put in your boy-short haircut don't make it look like you have long hair. Instead it looks like you're constantly running your fingers through a long plastic mullet wig. And it doesn't look cool, no matter what your mullet-headed emo/scene friends say.

Irony of the week.

"Did you hear that comment Obama made about Special Olympics? God, he's so retarded."

And you're a dumbass. Watch your hypocritical fuckin' mouth.