folding laundry in the dark;

collecting and
hanging bits of tiny underwear because
you shouldn't can't put elastic things in the dryer
      says mum
or rather she said maybe 12 years ago and
I haven't dried a bra since.
cold-darks warm-whites
never buy hotdogs that aren't
     all beef.
scratch diamonds on glass and
pearls on your teeth.
wash your hands after
raw meat and thrift shopping.
The most practical thing is
the one you're best at.
Never been wrong before;
this can't be any different.

Ode to Bill gates, Ron Howard, and Stephen Hawking.

I realize I just tweeted this, but holy shit. I ran into the guy (man? Boy? I'm torn as to which noun is appropriate for his grotesque sector of humanity) from the gym yesterday.  The most shallow, stupid human being I have ever encountered. Hands down.

Assertions:
1)  If a person is ugly, he or she will never be hired, because everything in the universe is determined absolutely and exclusively by physical appearance. And if you do not fit the ever-evolving, regionally inconsistent standard, then you are fucked.
           
If that is the case, let this be known: I, Melody Monroe, on this 30th day of March, have the solution to our current economic crisis and the knowledge that will open doors to untold millions of jobs. 

Just stop being ugly, America. It is that fucking simple.


[Additional assertions made by this moron will be continued in a later blog. If I feel like it.]

The weight room

... is NOT the place to pick up chicks. I understand that you're probably feeling extremely macho with all that testosterone doing whatever it is testosterone does. And I realize that the number of women in the room is highly disproportionate to the number of macho-feeling men. That does not give you leave to interrupt my workout. Thanks.

Food Network while angry.

I may not be so old
(certainly not so seasoned)
but if there is one thing I can do,
it is sizzle.
So if you say simmer down
one more time,
the little zest I do yet possess
will gleam with the meaning
of spicy.

young ≠ stupid (nor Smarts) and
years do not equal wisdom;
And since neither of us has
the gift of foresight, the
obligation lies
on both! sides to
(in the very least) listen.

Death has a sweet tooth (and still no mercy)

a cookie is as a
   cookie does and I say
          he does it well.
All he's done is make me smile--
that's more than many males.

He didn't ask for mercy, no
he didn't even flinch. He only asked
"if there's anything, anything I can do--
please, please tell me, Miss."

And so I pondered for, say, half a second
but we both knew it was over so I
snatched him up and heard the cry
"please, maybe a bit slower."

"I've always been a good Cookie;
I'm not ready to meet my maker!"
I'm afraid all efforts are futile--
for I am a hungry baker.

Unfortunately, it is impossible for me to sit down and read this book for more than 4 minutes at a time.

God makes Adam and Eve. Eve has Cain and Abel. Cain kills Abel.  Cain knocks up his wife. All thinking Bible-readers raise one eyebrow, turn back a few pages to see where Cain's wife came from, don't find an answer, and either giggle to themselves or go to Blogger to write about ridiculous scripture.

K-kinda busy.

I really want to write something.  I really, really do.  But I just can't get anything done with Lady Gaga's "Telephone" stuck in my head.